i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
