I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Randomize
