I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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