You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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