My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
