why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
My pussy is not your playground.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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