The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
