did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Damn victory sex feels great
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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