He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
