I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
