I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
