Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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