i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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