I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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