That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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