At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
