What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
