my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
