mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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