my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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