he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
