remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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