The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
