There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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