Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
