Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
