No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
