yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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