I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
