Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
