Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
