There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
