I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
