why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
