totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
me + whiskey = a bad person
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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