woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
