is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
