I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
