Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
