girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
