Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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