Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
