Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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