so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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