a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
