Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
