I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
