So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
