Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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