Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
