3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
No stitches, just platelets and will power
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
nutella sex= disaster
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
